Survivor

I have a lot of women, friends who are empowering and inspiring each other to be raw,  authentic and vulnerable.

I'm going to be really vulnerable for a second now. 

Today has been shit. The whole Stanford rape case made me angry and then I read the victim statement.

I.wasn't.fucking.ready.

What ensued was an outpouring of grief. Grief for her, grief for other survivors and grief for me.

Grief, I have learnt after time to shake off, move on. 

I'm usually so good at keeping it together. 

I'm often unmoved and unshaken by shit that comes at me.

Today was not going to be one of those days.

I made it through my gym session, the only time I left home with tears just being held back my anxiety pulsing through me.

A mixture of hate, pain and overwhelming sadness surged through me, often having to take myself to the bathroom in between sets to slow my breathing as I entered into a state of panic as the events of my rape repeated over and over in my head.

You see, the first time I was raped, I was a teenage girl.

This would also be the first time I would be penetrated.

It was cold, I remember because I was wearing my oversized skate jeans which were the fashion at the time and my cousins oversized snow jacket.

I wasn't into drinking at that age but I was social and happy to be with everyone  at a party.

One minute talking and laughing with someone I considered a friend no flirting as far as I could tell.....maybe I was naive. 

The events and time frame is a blur mainly due to the shock of having someone roll on top of me and press me so hard into the cold ground that I physically could not move, not that I could have anyway as I clearly remember being paralysed with fear as he groped my body and I felt his hand pull my pants down and his penis enter me.

I had never had sex before, I didn't really know what was happening other than something ticked over in my body and I found the strength to escape.

I was comforted by a small amount of people still in the house.

I begged everyone not to say anything.

This would start a habit in me I only became aware of today.

I have been raped two more times since then. 

Twice while sober. Once while unconsciously drunk awakening toward the end as my vision became clear I could see him between my legs.

Once I fought......twice I let them

Finish in my fear.

This was not consent, this was my survival.

Each time I found excuses as to why I couldn't make a big deal of it. 

Each time protecting them. 

Each time becoming more numb to the violation.

This dismissive, apologetic behaviour seeped into everything.

I haven't had the easiest life. Ive been torn apart by people so many times I can't even recognise pain when it burns me. 

No longer angry, no longer sad I made them into nothing as they had done to me but in doing so I had let them off of their responsibility of their actions.

My mother arrived at my home today and asked if I had been crying.

Immediately I retreated into my 16 year old self. Scared, afraid, trembling I told her what had come up I watched her face as I saw her mind recall it.

As she spoke to me I lost her words and all I could hear me whimper was " I can't I'm scared" as if I were still a teen and I were still in that place.

I built my walls higher, stronger, thicker over time.

I am stronger, in every way and it's taken me a lifetime to become who I am and if anything these events helped shaped who I am but if I have a weakness its in not allowing my emotional weakness to be heard.

While I have healed from most of the traumatic experiences I've lived through there are parts that linger. Parts of buried for song long I forgot.

Today the flood gates opened.

Today I tore my walls down. 

Today I hurt, unlike I've hurt in years.

I was plunged into darkness crying, no......howling in pain. 

Drifting in and out of lulls of sleep momentarily dulling the turbulence of my emotions.

Today I learned my weakness, I purged my pain I had hidden for so long, today I will lay down emotionally exhausted, today I allowed that young girl grieve for the first time in 16 years.

Tomorrow I continue on my path in personal growth. Tomorrow 16 year old Loureen can move on.

Tomorrow I take this pain and take the lesson and use it to evolve.

I'm still processing my reaction to reading her victim statement.

She is the collective of every survivor and he the face of rape and violation.

It was unexpected and yet.....what did I expect and how many more are there that read those very words and were dragged into an abyss of bad memories.

I'm not sure what I wanted to get out of writing this other than to heal and to purge this from me.

My sexuality had been Brought up today in regards to my experience and in a few days time when I have settled I'll write my next piece on how my sexuality and taking control and ownership helped me not only heal but to transform,  

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